12 weeks.....and some days.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

That means that twelve weeks ago, a miracle happened when a piece of me, and a piece of my amazing husband found each other and made Someone enitirely new. ( I don't figure my dates the same way Doctors do, because I'm a unique individual. If I did, then I would be 14 weeks and some days).

I figured that by now I'd have more energy, I'd be more "glowy" and NOT so pregnant looking.
Seriously. I look like I'm five months pregnant.
I'm having a hard time with it, because I feel like I never really got back to my pre-pregnancy weight after Emery, so, I feel really big, and I'm already wearing Maternity clothes which are almost never very flattering unless you're super tiny and just have a baby bump and no extra padding, like me. 

I have no idea wether there is a girl or a boy growing in me either.  With Emery I had dreams. Dreams of a little boy....
This time around....nothing.
I don't really want to know either.

I want to be surprised. 

Owen wants to find out.

Emery hasn't really grasped the idea yet either.

I'm worried that he'll be jealous, that he won't like the baby, that things will be really rough for quite a while. I 'm not sure how to get past that.

I'm also worried abot going back to work after the baby.  With Emery I didnt work for a while, and then when I didgo back to work I was nannying so he got to come with me. I didn't have to worry about pumping breastmilk for him because he was with me.  Its a good thing I didn't have to either because I never could get more than an ounce or two to actually pump. 

I have a full time job. I have a lot of responsibilty. I can't take the baby to work with me. We can't really afford to put a baby in daycare, and honestly, 6 weeks is too young in my opinion to be in the care of someone other than me for a large chunk of the day, I'm just not comfortable with it.

I'm not sure where I had planned on going with this post, but that's okay because I didn't really realize I felt this way about some things.  Typing it all out is sort of therapeutic. 

I guess this pregnancy is becoming more real to me, not that it wasn't real, I just hadn't really envisioned what the future looks like as a family of four.

Interesting.

And so very Exciting!

I can't wait to see how this all plays out!

Thanks for reading. :)




  

CARS!

We took Emery to see Cars 2 in 3D last night.  He was such a trooper. He wore his kid size glasses the whole time. He sat quietly on mine or daddy's lap, and he didn't make a peep ( unless it was something like "Go Mater!" or "Lightening McQueen is so fast!". He even mastered the art of finding the bag of popcorn in the dark and shoving handfuls in his mouth without taking his eyes of the screen.  When it was all done, he didn't want to leave.

Horrible ,awful, terrible, no good...yet wonderful day

My sister called me last night and told me that my nephew might have cancer.  Let me give you the back story.
Barrick is the first born to my baby brother.  He is a joy to be around. He's an amazing big brother, he's very smart, sweet, caring, so affecionate, and funny!
This little boy has been through a lot in his short life.  My brother and Barrick's mom married young, and didn't quite grow together.  The end of their relationship was rough, and Barrick was caught in the middle, he was also subjected to a lot of tough stuff at the hands of caretakers, and then a bitter custody battle, finally to be completey signed over to my brother.  Last week he was visiting his mother and got to spend time with Nana (my mom) when his mom was at work.
Nana noticed that his face was a bit swollen and figured he was cutting his five year molars. As time went on, the swelling wasn't going away. The insurance card was in TX with my brother so they took him to the ER.  The ER doctors felt it was a bacterial/viral infection that was possibly clogging a salivary gland and prescribed a strong dose of antibiotics.
  Fast forward to last night.
The round of antibiotics is done and the swelling is still evident. He has a fever that spikes and won't come down with medicine so back to ER they go.
That's when my sister called me. They admitted last night for blood tests and whatnot, and then this morning decided that he needed to see a pediatric oncologist.
Once the oncologist saw him, he was life flighted to Ft. Worth.
Its definitely cancer. We just don't know what kind. Its either Sarcoma, or Lymphoma.
Tomorrow they're doing a biopsy, and a bone marrow test in order to determine the type, stage, and treatment. I don't really have anything else to say about this right now. I'm just so heartbroken.  I'm not sure where to go from here, or what to say to my brother in order to ease his mind. It just is. And it just sucks.
In other news, Emery stucka rock in his ear again yesterday. I took him to the pediatricina this morning and they tried to flush it out with water. Three bottles of water to be exact.
He hated it, and the rock didn't come out. So, we were referred to an ENT.
 Right after leaving the pediatric office we had to rush across town because I was late for the appointment with April Bullock of Birthwise. She and I seemed to click, and she has midwifed a few couples that I know.  I originally stumbled upon her in my attempt to find a midwife to apprentice with, then when I found out we were having #2, it just seemed like she would be someone that I would be comfortable with, and I was. As an added bonus, my insurance will pay her and I can have a homebirth, or if I chose to, at her Birthing Center.  My next appointment is next week and we'll start the whole prenatal process with the health history, and the stats, and measuring and all that.

After April's appointment, Emery and I grabbed a bite to eat at a fast food place (ugh, disgusting I know, but its literally all we had time to do--and I was starving!), and then drove across town again for the ENT appointment. The ENT and I joked about things kids put in their ears, and how boys are boys all the while he was "looking" in Emery's ear with his tweezer type tool and a bright light. Literally 2 minutes later he pulled out a giant rock. Seriously, it was bigger than the pink one removed last time (shown in this picture). Emery didn't even make a peep, and it cost us a lot less than the last one.

So, with all of that, this has been a day full of emotions. I'm exhausted, and now, I'm watching "The Voice" with a nice glass of ginger ale to soothe my tummy. I love you all. thanks for your prayers and encouragement.
  

Wordless Wednesday

Old picture of my big boy at the dentist!

Funny Bone Defensive Driving

I was in a wreck about a month ago. It was my "fault" because the brakes were bad and I ran a red light t-boning a car passing through the intersection. Because my driving record it so impeccable (ha!) I was allowed to take a Defensive Driving Course in order to have my ticket dismissed.  It's been a process, and I'm still not done. Today was my Defensive Driving class. There are lots of options when choosing a course. I opted for this particular one because I would rather be entertained than sit in front of a computer, or listen to some Monotone teacher preach at me about how I shouldn't drive the way I do.

Six hours later, this is what I took away from it.

Dana, the instructor, walked a fine line between being mildly funny, (lots of dry jokes and puns), and very professionally serious when talking about the most important matters.

Lesson 1~ DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE PEOPLE, JUST DON'T DO IT!

The dry jokes and puns were a much needed distraction from the mundane common sense items discussed that obviously some of the attendees definitely needed to re-learn. 

The highlight of my day though was our lunch break.

We were given Austin's Pizza as our lunch. Totally paid for.  We were also told that the company matches 100% whatever it is that the delivery drivers receive in tips and all that money goes to fund Autism research. Good cause right? I'm still researching the truth in this statement, so don't hold me to that.

But, I digress....

So, Dana went elsewhere for lunch.  I'm sure after teaching 3000 plus classes, one gets tired of eating pizza.  I would have gone elsewhere as well, if I could have. 
We as a class, ate our pizza, and returned to the classroom to finish out our 6 hour "adult time-out" day.

 We were waiting patiently for his return, and waiting, and waiting.  He finally showed up 15 minutes later and informed us he had been in a wreck--in the parking lot. His first in 12 years.

Lesson 2~
SLOW DOWN PEOPLE! RUSHING IS DANGEROUS AND DOESN'T REALLY SAVE YOU ANYMORE THAN A COUPLE OF MINUTES-MAX.

Really those are the most important things I learned today, oh- wait and you can get fined $2500 max for throwing cigarette butts out the window in TX. Due to high drought conditions, a cigg *could* be considered Hazardous material. (they can cause fires yo!)

Lesson 3~
QUIT SMOKING-AND DON'T LITTER!

Thanks for reading.....
-Erin

I just finished watching "Pregnant in America". 

I first heard about the movie waaaay back before we moved from Fayetteville to Portland (Gresham if you want to get technical). I stumbled across a Myspace page for it actually.  It was still in production, but the director and his wife were creating a buzz about it. Once we arrived in Oregon I avidly checked up on it via the myspace page, and nearly offered to support a showing of it, but I had no one to show it to at the time, I hadn't found my niche In Oregon yet, so I passed. 

Then Emery was born.  Things changed pretty vastly after that, midwifery pursuit and Birthingway were all put on hold for lots of reasons. I discovered Facebook, deleted my myspace account and we moved back to Texas.
Now, here we are in Austin. I'm trying deperately to find my path to midwifery. Desperately.  Everyday I'm searching, looking, hoping, scouring every source that I know of, waiting for that AH-HA moment to say, " Here Erin, this is they way, do it this way."  With no luck...yet. 

 So, being bored, I decided to peruse Hulu for a movie to watch...BAM! There it is, "Pregnant in America".
I know this movie.....could it be?
The Full thing?!
Not just a clip.....wow!

So.

Now the Activist in me is all sorts of riled up!

Curse you Cytotec!
Curse you Pharmaceutical Companies!!
Curse you insurance companies!!!
Curse you Medical Industry!!!!
Curse us America for not allowing our women, our mothers, our society, our culture to know that natural birth is possible!!!!!!

All that being said-

Thank you advanced medical Technology to help when needed, but please, stay out of Birth until you are needed, and only when you are needed.
Thank you Insurance companies for supporting families, when it is needed.
Thank you America for being a nation that allows people, women, families, the right to choose their own way of doing things, now let it happen that way, please.

Maybe my life-calling/career goal list shouldn't read like this:

1. Become a Midwife
2. See Number 1.

Maybe, just maybe, it should read like this:

1. Become as educated as possible on the "flawed" aspects of the Birth culture in America.
2. Share this knowledge with all who will hear it!
3. Become A childbirth Educator (this is a great platform to share this knowledge!)
4. Become a Certified Doula.  Advocate for those vulnearbale women at the mercy of the medical "McDonal-ized" Medical system.
5. Become a Midwife. (I may be 70 by the time it happens, but it WILL happen.)

Are you readers still willing to hold me accountable?
I'm going to need it.

-Erin

Wordless Wednesday-only a day late....